Hands on Deck - Waking Ashland

I miss my best friend. The one who'd understand exactly how i feel without any judgments or solutions. the one who'd just listen all day long about my worries, sadness and happy moments. the one who is not afraid to try new things with me. the one who'd drop everything to pick up my call when i need a listening ear. the one who'd understand when i was upset with certain people and would make me understand that not everyone is perfect. the one who'd understand what me being stressed is like. that when i'm stressed, i eat, and then i start to feel fat, and i eat even more cos i feel more stressed that im feeling fat. the one who'd calm me down when i say i have too much to study or do. the one who'd be genuinely happy when i have good results. the one who'd always find new ways to make me laugh. the one who'd pick my call up at 3am in the morning and asks me what's wrong. the one who'd help me and support me in everything i do. the one who'd have a conversation with me, who'd have fun with me teasing ppl that walk by, as we people-watch. the one who'd sit right next to me in silence, and not feel uncomfortable. the one who'd have random picnics with me. the one who'd i'll tell anything and everything from the depths of my soul and heart. the one who'd just give me a big tight bear hug when im crying or angry. who'd never judge me for any decision i make. who'd know my fav choc is kinder bueno, and buy it for me when i need it during my PMS months. who'd make me feel the most beautiful when i feel the ugliest. the one who's always be there for me no matter what. the one who'd knew exactly what to say when i say im feeling lonely. the one who'd always see me for me.

Its always the smallest things that mattered to me rather then huge gestures. People come and go, deceptions are everywhere. Maybe that's why the greater the expectation, the greater the disappointment.

Runaway World - Making April

i couldnt bring myself to say anything. why would i? what would i be expecting out of it? i obviously allowed things to get messy today when i ran thru my past emails in my inbox. i had kept everything aside already, damning myself if i ever revisited those stuff. and yet when i opened some emails today, i couldnt stop the tears from forming. cos why would i want to intentionally hurt myself? i just felt powerless, inadequate when i formed all these illusions, these perceptions of how i wanted things to be. how i am planning for a day that was planned in the past, but now the presence isnt gonna connect that. i dont know if i can be strong enough on that day. i dunnoe if i can be strong enough to be that close, and yet seem so far away. when it isnt even going to be my day, how would i be able to handle it when it comes. maybe i am just putting myself down, making myself accept the hard facts in life. when the time comes to swallow that bitter pill in life, and i have no one to take it with me, i just sometimes feel lost. so unconnected. and so defenseless. i had so much time in the past, to correct what was wrong, to redeem what was lost. but now suddenly when i have all the time in the world, all i can do is look back at the times that was wasted. its like crying over spilled milk. i know so much tat these are just phases, phases that comes and go. but little things that reminds me and triggers my memories, i just cant help but feel so pulled in by all that im feeling. so much so that i forget what was really impt to me. i just need more of something. i just dunnoe what.

*Sometimes, when you're having a unique moment, either good or bad, it wouldnt hurt to be able to share it with someone. that someone you could talk to late at night, telling her how bad your day was and yet she wouldn't mind hearing your inane complaints. when you're sleepy, she gently pulls your head towards her right shoulder and you slept hoping the bus ride would go on forever. how she would look straight into your eyes, and you try hard not to lose yourself in her gaze. everytime she could make all your worries non-existent with a simple hug/kiss.

someone you would selfishly protect with your life.

I'd like to think i've found that special someone*

*There's this girl
this certain mystery
the aura she exudes
caught me totally offguard

That confidence,
pulls me in closer and closer
'til im right next to her

Even as i try to distance myself,
try hard not to look her way,
the conversation's too smooth to ignore

the defences simply melt
the walls come crashing down
the empty heart, longs to be felt

little things start to take notice
like how her hair falls nicely down the side
how her lips meet to form a smile
She had eyes, so hazel
they just take your breathe away...*

I Promise Myself...

To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind;

To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet;

To make all your friends feel that there is something in them;

To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true;

To think only the best, to work only for the best, and to expect only the best;

To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own;

To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future;

To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living creature you meet a smile;

To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others;

To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear; and too happy to permit the presence of trouble;

To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud words, but in great deeds;

To live in the faith that the whole world is on your side so long as you are true to the best that is in you.

- C.D Larson

03.04.09

The beauty of sleep,
Awakened by a dream
The comfort of seeing,
Like a child across a lawn
Like flowers that bloom in spring,
As they fall in autumn,
The beauty lies no more,
For all is swept away.

As I fall into great darkness,
A hope that begins it all
What’s left is more then tears
Following a heart that has its fears.
Cradling in my arms,
Hoisting down my neck,
Yearn for the years goodbye
Into my heart I kept

And when the winter falls,
The coldness on my cheek.
Seasons as they come.
As easily they go.
Crying out till no one hears.
Knowing its all succumbed.
Kissing gently, loving lost.
Forever mine, in all its cause.

So peacefully he lies,
I can tell, more than sparrows fly,
And clouds doubt,
Spoken with thought
Believing with might.
All it can do is fly and fight.
Like a butterfly, it entwines,
A beauty only after, so divine.
Separated by nature, past is past.
Build me a future I know will last.

This counts a newly goodbye.
For every end is a new high.
Lurking around will always be leaves,
That falls back where they were supposed to be.
Surrender in lost.
And pity foremost.
Encast a new line,
And it will be mine.

An Interview With God

I dreamed I had an interview with God.

“So you would like to interview me?” God asked.

“If you have the time” I said.

God smiled. “My time is eternity.”
“What questions do you have in mind for me?”

“What surprises you most about humankind?”

God answered...
“That they get bored with childhood,
they rush to grow up, and then
long to be children again.”

“That they lose their health to make money...
and then lose their money to restore their health.”

“That by thinking anxiously about the future,
they forget the present,
such that they live in neither
the present nor the future.”

"That they live as if they will never die,
and die as though they had never lived.”

God’s hand took mine
and we were silent for a while.

And then I asked...
“As a parent, what are some of life’s lessons
you want your children to learn?”

“To learn they cannot make anyone
love them. All they can do
is let themselves be loved.”

“To learn that it is not good
to compare themselves to others.”

“To learn to forgive
by practicing forgiveness.”

“To learn that it only takes a few seconds
to open profound wounds in those they love,
and it can take many years to heal them.”

“To learn that a rich person
is not one who has the most,
but is one who needs the least.”

“To learn that there are people
who love them dearly,
but simply have not yet learned
how to express or show their feelings.”

“To learn that two people can
look at the same thing
and see it differently.”

“To learn that it is not enough that they
forgive one another, but they must also forgive themselves.”

"Thank you for your time," I said humbly.

"Is there anything else
you would like your children to know?"

God smiled and said,
“Just know that I am here... always.”

-author unknown

Pathways to Peace

Pathways to peace
"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God."
- Matthew 5:9

Integrity
"Integrity is one of several paths.  It distinguishes itself from the others because it is the right path and the only one upon which you will never get lost."
- M.H. McKee

Joy
"If the sight of the blue skies fills you with joy, if the simple things of nature have a message that you understand, rejoice, for your soul is alive."
- Eleonora Duse

Kindness
"Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see."
- Mark Twain

Faith
"Faith is the strength by which a shattered world shall emerge into the light."
- Helen Keller

Courage
"This is courage… to bear unflinchingly what heaven sends."
- Euripedes

Hope
"Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark."
- George Iles

Charity
"We must not only give what we have; we must also give what we are."
- Desire-Joseph Mercier

Love
"I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love."
- Mother Teresa

Patience
"Never think that God's delays are God's denials.  Hold on, Hold fast, Hold out.  Patience is genius."
- Comte Georges Louis Leclerc de Buffon

Determination
"The great thing in this world is not so much where we are, but in what direction we are moving."
- Oliver Wendell Holmes

Gratitude
"A single grateful thought raised to heaven is the most perfect prayer."
- Gotthold Ephraim Lessing

Humility
"Pride is concerned with who is right.  Humility is concerned with what is right."
- Ezra Taft Benson

Forgiveness
"Forgiveness is the answer to the child's dream of a miracle by which what is broken is made whole again, what is soiled is again made clean."
- Dag Hammarskjold

Peace
"We must come to see that peace is not merely a distant goal we seek, but it is a means by which we arrive at that goal.We must pursue peaceful ends through peaceful means."
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Counting The Stars - Waking Ashland

I am excited. pumped up. invigorated. psyched up. full on. and just so so damn happy. i have realized so many important things, things that really mattered to me, goals i left on the shelf, my life i laid on the tracks, and how i allowed time to swallow me whole, believing that time will not catch up with me, dreaming of the day the stars came down and set me free. i thought all i needed was the sun to shine again, but after the storm, something even better came out of it. a rainbow, full of hope, determination and a new goal to work towards. i realized how much i missed, how much i thought i had it all, but when you lose it all, that's exactly when you realize you had other things, things that were not meant to be yours in the first place and things that were. but when you know you have something, something worth working for, something worth pinning all your hopes on, and knowing to hell that none of it will be a waste. cos i know not only can i do it, but i am going to really rock it damn well. and this time ard, this time ard, i have no distractions at all. one year. thats all it'll take. and my life will make its revolution. i have a new dream, and that is something i wont let go. cos i know that this is what i want, i know what i dont want. my theories has been proven wrong, and i now know that in order to be certain about everything, we first have to doubt everything we know. tried and tested. and now i am off again, doing what i do best. aiming, setting goals and achieving them. ive gone thru so much, come this far. and when i reach for the stars, nothing is gonna hold me back.

:)

Just a tinny reminder of the awesome frens i have here, and how happy i am to have such good and close frens. ((: loved the pics matt took of me and the gang. (:
Had a blast at sonn's party ((: just us peeps from uwa just chilling, shesha-ing and cam-whoring!!

Provided by this Internet Marketing Stategies site.

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Thanks Vincent, I loved it. (:

Runaway World - Making April

sometimes i wonder if me wanting a guy in my life is essential. maybe its bcos of the way society is, sometimes i just feel like being alone or ending up alone is the scariest thing in the world. having my family and friends are of cos an upbringing. but having someone close, someone intimate, to share with you everything, happiness, sadness, excitement, humour, good conversations, different opinions, working towards a common goal as a couple. its something different that cant be compared with having your family and friends. i know what i want in a guy, but whether i am what a guy wants in a girl is a different thing altogether. its about finding someone with the right frequency, someone who'd always be there for you when you need that person, but yet loving enough to let you go in times when you want to be alone.

school has been great, ive been getting so many praises from teachers, and i am really hoping i am making a lasting impression on each and everyone of them, cos its my final year. i want to be known so that at least when i apply for my honours, i am known. but when im not studying, or working or out with frens, i wonder. what would it be like to have someone who wants exactly what i have, exactly what i can provide. seeing my sister getting married to such a nice guy, i wonder if i too can ever find someone who'd love me exactly for who i am. no questions asked.

but to remain in the past is a hefty price, one im not sure if im willing to sacrifice.

i cant tell what it is that makes me question so much. i just know that we eventually move on from everything in life, when the dust has settled to the ground, and the world is scarce, who can i depend on? maybe i place too much priority in finding that one special person. maybe i am not ready to accept that i can be alone. cos no matter how much hurt i have healed from the past, the truth is, ur past never leaves u. i can look forward each day to a better day. but maybe im allowing perfection to be the enemy of better. this is a test from high above. the hardest is the one after a failed love.

what do people fear the most? some are scared of death, some of aging, some of losing all their wealth, some fear of getting a terminal illness or losing all their youth. what do i fear? that is the question, cos no one can love with fear, or fear with love.

Whole New Me - Jonathan Clay

i finally am ready to face up to how i truly felt this past few weeks. I had been hiding out in my own mind. i had been afraid to accept how i feel bcos i din wanna accept the fact that its really over, so i kept myself busy, made myself ignore it all, pretending that everything i felt would magically disappear. but after all this time, i finally realized i have to move on, whether i want to or not. its not a choice, its a decision. and i was waiting for the time i would be ready to make that decision. ive been going ard asking so many different people for advice, good guys, bad guys, girls that dont care, girls that care, casual frens, close frens, anyone basically. i just wanted advice, but all i got back was a whole different range of advice, which really brought me nowhere. cos inevitably the final decision would still have to come from me.

yesterday, i felt that i needed that time-out. no work, no studies, no contact with anyone, just me, myself and i. i thought of going to the beach with my favourite chapter of the bible, psalms. but the thought of seeing people, seeing them happy, i felt like i couldnt take that, so i decided to coop myself at home, shut myself out, just give myself one day. i always liked watching movies, reading a book, or listening to music to space out. music was out, cos i wanted something more in depth, i couldnt read either cos i din feel like it. so i decided to watch movies. i watched 4 movies, just to give myself alone time, and then when i finished watching, i opened up my bible and read psalms.

i realized then how selfish i had been, to the people ard me, and to myself. i shut myself out, ignored my insides calling out to me, ignored my good conscious telling me what to do. i wanted comfort, and i din care how i got it. i din care who i was hurting more by just caring abt myself. i din care if i hurt anyone, all i wanted was comfort and i looked everywhere else but myself. i called him so many times, ignoring the fact that i was suppose to leave him be, let him move on as well. but i didnt even care abt how he felt, how he must be as hurting as i am, and i wasnt letting him have peace even after we've broken up. i realized that God was leaving me alone to deal with all this, cos i was doing it all wrong. i closed up to Him as well, ignoring Him when he tried to make me see i was not doing it right. i realized how self-centered i was. and i hated realizing that truth abt myself. how long have i been this way? maybe thats why i seem to be suffering all the time, cos i cared abt noone but myself. as soon as i realized that i had no faith in anyone, no trust in anyone, and no care and love for anyone, i immediately went down on my knees, and prayed for forgiveness. i cried as i prayed cos i realized i have ignored everything, everything that would make me a better person. i hated the fact that i made so many mistakes in my life, hurt so many people in the process of always making myself feel better first. i prayed to be led in the right direction.

i woke up tonight, and i couldnt go back to sleep. i was avoiding going to his blog for so long, cos i din know how i'd feel if i read the past entries, the ones where it was all loving and caring. but i dared myself to face up to it, read what was in the past, accept it, and move on. as i read his past entries, i saw how unselfish he was, how much he just wanted to be simple, and how much he suffered being the best he could for me. i read the past entries where he wrote so deeply abt how he truly felt, and only now i see his true feelings. and i ignored it all in the past. after i read the entry abt how he felt when he was in perth with me, i couldnt continue. cos by that time, i read enough, to know how selfish i had been all this time. i cried reading the last time i would see him write i love you. but that was it.

maybe becos of the perfectionist i am, i always want things to be a certain way, and i plan so meticulously, i plan everything to such a perfect detail that i am blinded most of the time of what i am sacrificing, what or who i am hurting just to get what i want. my frens think i am scary when they see the way i plan things and how perfect they must be at all times. thats why when i let go, i go the total other extreme, and do things i ultimately regret. i need to find a balance, need to let go of perfection and see how much i am always just thinking of myself. i need to give myself more space, more room to make errors, and be ok abt it. as for the other extreme, its my bad side that i must change as well. cos ultimately there is no excuse for the bad things i have done, i can only accept them as mistakes, ask for forgiveness and try my damnest to never ever repeat them again. its all about self discovery. when u make mistakes, u see more in depth who u really are, and then u can ask urself, is this the person u want to be, and if not, change.

only now am i realizing how imperfect i actually am, eventhough i am an excellent student, i have so much more in my character i need to change. i need to firstly accept that when bad things happens to me, its noone's fault but me.

"He who is pregnant with evil and conceives trouble gives birth to disillusionment. He who digs a hole and scoops it out falls into the pit he has made. The trouble he causes recoils on himself; his violence comes down on his own head." Psalms 7:14-16.

And so He says, trouble and problems are inevitable caused but what you have done ultimately leads back onto yourself.

"In his arrogance the wicked man hurts down the weak; who are caught in the scheme he devises. He boasts of the cravings of his heart; he blesses the greedy and reviles the Lord. In his pride, the wicked does not seek him; in all his thoughts there is no room for God. His ways are always prosperous; he is haughty and your laws are far from him; he sneers at all his enemies. He says to himself, 'Nothing will shake me; I'll always be happy and never have trouble'. His mouth is full of curses and lies and threats; trouble and evil are under his tongue." Psalms 10: 2-7.

This is someone i pray i will never ever become.

"But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you. For surely, O Lord, you bless the righteous; you surround them with your favour as with a shield" Psalms 5:11.

once a very good fren of mine told me this, in times where you have strayed, and pretended that you dont need God in your life, God will destroy you, but he does that not to hurt you intentionally, he does that so you can come back to him, and becos of His grace and unfailing love, He will always welcome you back in open arms, He is always waiting for you to come back to him.

I find myself in deep solace, and deep meditation when i read verses like these, cos the bible is always there for you as a guidance, something to show you why ur going thru something hard now. everything happens for a reason, and the past is there for a reason. the past is there to remind you of mistakes you have made, the present is there for you to correct them and decide to change, and the future is where you will reap the seeds you planted in the present. the future is not ours to see, but the present; what you do today affects tomorrow. everyday is a new beginning, and what use does it do, being stuck in the past. I once said, whats there to look ahead when there is no future to see, and my reply was, thats why you have to look ahead, to see whats in the future; how else can you face the future, if ur always stuck in ur past?

I always thought that all i needed was a guy to always be there for me, to always tell me everything is going to be alright, to always love and cherish me. but no human can do that, if i cant be there for myself, if i cant tell myself everything is going to be alright, if i cant love and cherish myself first. but the best part about being alone, is that you're never ever really alone, God is always there for you.

I finally lay my head down, clasp my hands tightly together and silently forgive myself for all the hurt i have caused myself and others. I looked deep inside of me, and told myself, whats past is past, let it go. The future is bright, and my God will never leave me. Everything on Earth is temporary, when I have delusions and love for all things temporary, God will destroy me. Becos, we're all here for a certain purpose, and ultimately how we live and love on Earth will affect our treasures in the after life. God only wants two main things from us, to love him first and to do good. There is no point being too sad abt things lost, for God can take the things you love anytime. The more you love temporary things, the more God will make you suffer. Becos God is fair and righteous, and only He can make your life good, that is if you reciprocate.

And so, I finally found the answers i was looking for, the forgiveness i needed, and i hope one day the people i have hurt, will forgive me too. I can only do two things right now. Move on and change. Life is life, but to live without love, it is better to not live at all. Going thru this has made me realize i need to love myself first before i can love others, cos if i cant do that, i will always be selfish, always demanding everyone to love me and care for me, but i dont do back the same. I dont want to search for love, cos eventually God will bring my love to me. All i can do is hope, have faith and continue loving, not whats temporary, but what truly matters.

J: i can see you love him more then he does. its good for him, cos at least he had one person who loved him this much. i can be honest with you, he wont appreciate what you are doing for him right now, but maybe if he ever looks back, he will appreciate you. for now, you just have to move on.
C: you make it sound so easy.
J: its not, it takes time.

C: you once told me all guys are bastards, is it true?
J: yes, all men are. once he has no more love for you, anything you do wouldnt mean a thing.
C: maybe i am just meant to be alone.
J: you just havent found the right guy yet, if you dont find him, he will find you.

i honestly dunnoe what to feel. whether im sad, or feeling lost. it is true that time will at least make me move on. even though this is a new house for me, and there are no memories here, i cant help but feel there could have been. cos the things i have are still the same things, and the way i feel is still the same way. nothing i do matters, cos everything i do is pointless. i just thought that the things i did mattered, but now i realize it wasnt what i did or didnt do. cos if someone really wants to make it work with me, he would. i just wish i realized that sooner.

am i suppose to really believe, that if you love someone, you should let them free? why am i in a position, that i dun seem to understand that line. ive been over this over and over again, but somehow, it still all comes back to me, like as if dealing with it on a daily basis isnt enough.

somehow i wonder again, how did i come to this crossroads again, how did i manage to lose the thing i feared losing the most, and for what reason, i too dun even know. some days i get up, and i am skipping to school literally cos i feel the world is a joy, but other days, the same world is just put on my shoulders, and suddenly it is not a joy anymore.

i want to truly understand and believe, that everything happens for a reason, and i too want to just fast forward till the day i look back and see that reason, and understand why it all happened. but it seems so bleak now, so un-interfering, its like im forcing myself to see that reason so badly, when the only way to see that reason is in time. i feel like im being placed on a pedestral for every action i have done, every move that ive made, every word i have uttered. and if my heart was still beating whole, i wanna know how i can keep in that way, until everything goes away.

how am i suppose to understand what all these means, when i dun even understand what i as a person mean. having done so much, and see that doing just wasnt enough? i know in times like this, i should just open my bible, read a few phrases that pick me up, say a thank you prayer and go to sleep. but even though i forced myself to go out today, to at least get out of my room and be outside, all i could think abt was my phone which i left at home. like as if that one message could change everything. i believed in it so much, that i chose to have a blind eye on what i should really be believing. i trusted with every inch of my heart that i could do this. but then when everything falls apart right before your eyes, who do you blame. my efforts or the lack of someone else's or just unforseen circumstances, unrealistic expectations, and pure denial. thats the first stage, barganing follows closely behind, and then anger, grief and acceptance.

every single thing that reminded me of what happened at that spot in my school, or that spot in the city, or thinking why im not buying that calling card, topping my phone more then i usually do, and now what. i am here, typing random crap out, cos it'll make me feel better at the end of it. i need to know why, i need to understand how, and i need to be understood as well. communication hasnt always been my strongest suit, cos maybe i see actions speak louder, but no action can come from no talk. the talk always come first, and the action acts it out.

i wanna scream it all out, write it all down, but i cant. something is stopping me from doing that. maybe if i allowed myself to, i wont be able to get up. why is it so hard to explain? or am i just not ready to accept. and if so, tell me how.

2 hours of touch rugby today, made me feel good. i was hurting so much inside, and i just wanted to feel pain on the outside for once. i wanted to know pain did not only came from inside. so i tackled hard, ran hard and played hard. and i did feel good, as the adrenaline pumped me. my energy pouring out into that field. and it cleared my head. i need more days like this.

so hear me out, cos i have no one else to talk to, everynight as i close my eyes, nothing else can put me to sleep, except imagining how ur hands feel as it runs thru my hair, how your smell makes me feel at ease, how your kiss on my forehead makes me feel. cos thru all that, still those are the basic things i truly miss. good night.

Back Here - BBMak

I love how my new room has a balcony that leads outside, where i am situated on the 2nd floor of my cosy unit. when i open my door and look into the clear darkness, i am happy and peaceful. when its nice and windy, i can enjoy looking at the leaves dance and frolick right outside my window and balcony, inviting me to dance with them, and when its still and lonely like tonight, the leaves hang down, understanding exactly how i feel. i have always appreciated the silence of the night, one of the things that bright busy singapore cant have. i love how the stars shine out in the black velvet sky, how i can peer up and see nothing but beauty staring right back at me. how i see the streets so empty, imagining myself running through the streets, like as if noone else was there but me. i love to enjoy my alone time, and i realised i miss that. i miss me. i realised how much ive changed and i dun like some parts which i changed too much. i used to be crazy and fun, not so solemn and quiet. so i guess now is the time for me to come out again. to enjoy what the world has to offer. its time for me to get out, and be me. there is a time for everything, and everyday that goes by, i am never more grateful for God and my mum to have given me this much to be here today. i tried so hard for things that werent important, or maybe i had just misplaced all my priorities. but when i look out my balcony enjoying the sweet smell of the light breeze kissing my cheeks, at least i know in time, everything heals. just as God promised.

in retrospect, i love how i did up my cosy little room, going to ikea today and buying all the furniture that makes me happy. the heat headache i got today was totally worth it. i love furniture shopping, and got myself a funky pink chair to match my white study desk. got myself a cute vase and a pink daisy to match my chair, put up my posters, and bought frames to frame up the most impt ppl to me. i love everything abt my room, the spiral staircase that leads to my room, the nice purple feministic carpet, and of cos my books, that makes me feel so proud to be a student at UWA.

everything has been ok so far, maybe for once i feel like im finally doing the right thing. first day of school was scary, i just realised how very very tedious final year is going to be. all the expectations, all the pressure. its like, i made it. to final year with no regrets. i just am so determined and so confident nothing is going to affect me this year, and how well i truly do, will really depend on me.

my aromatherapy oil is burning, sea breeze.. and its so nice. having this kind of solitary confinement, and feeling very peaceful about it. there are those thoughts that run thru my mind every now and then, especially when i watch tv on my laptop, and something or someone reminds me of.. but i tell myself, its all for the best. and some things are just not meant to be.

when i look around my room, all i see is i succeeded, in being happy, in doing what i want to do. its all i ever wanted, to be here and to get what i deserve. i deserve so much, and yet every single day i am grateful for all that i've got. whether it be good or bad, i know that everything happens for a reason, and noone, noone at all can tell me what my life is or what I am about. I can only tell myself that.

btw, i am planning to watch the phantom of the opera play. i feel a tinge of guilt cos the tickets costs 84 bucks. but heck, i think right now, a nice theatre play would really do wonders for my soul. i deserve it. cos i think after this week, the turmoil of hard work paying off begins. cant wait(:

its my first day back in perth. the weather's beautiful, i slept well cos my eyes were drained out from crying and i think today might be ok, since i am moving into my new place. nothing has changed in perth, but maybe the most hardest part is being here again, this time im really alone. he decided that one day before i leave, he wanted things to end. he did not verbally say anything, but his actions and his blog tells me enough. whether he admitted everything on his blog, at least i know i had always been right about him. when he chose not to see me on my last day and he chose not to send me off, it told me a lot abt him and what he felt for me. he is doing all this things to force me to leave. i think it's sad. that someone made so much effort to chase me away instead of making me stay. even when i called him last night, he just acted like as if nothing is happening and once again, just told me straight that he wants to be alone. like as if my hurting and crying din mean a thing. i dun even know why i bothered so much. maybe i tot i could be the one to save him from all that internal damage he has going on inside of him. but the truth is, he never wanted anyone. he has chosen to be alone, and meeting me was probably just nothing at all. it did nothing. it helped noone. and here i am, stuck at my own misery, at my own pool of shame, cos once again, i trusted tat i might find that person. this time around, i made sure i was the person for him, did everything i could. but still, everyone just thinks im being stubborn and foolish. whether or not he feels happy being alone, what about me? what about everything i have done for him? doesnt anything matter at all?

he wants me to leave him alone, and yes i can do that. but he is also making me deal with this alone. and i think that is plain selfish. breaking up is never easy one might say, but when he forces u to leave and forces u to deal with it alone, there's no damn reason, he just simply wants back his simple uncommitting life, where he can be happy being a nobody. and to think he said he loved me? what is love when you intentionally chase someone away for ur own sake. yes, maybe i dun understand his issues, but everyone has issues. and he is no exception. i tried for nearly 1 and a half years. and what does it matter? at the end of the day iam left with nothing to cry for anymore. it is all ok for him, cos this is what he wants. this is how he is happy, by forcing himself to pretend everything is nothing.

i do hate him for everything, every damn test he has put me through, every damn thing he has done to force me to prove my worth. if i am tat worthless to him, i was never worth a damn thing in the first place.

one day, when he looks back, he will see how much hurt he caused another human being, who loved him with all her heart. he will see how much damage he has done, by purposefully causing hurt to someone else. he will see how much i did, and yet he never saw it. he says he tried. well, u just didnt try hard enough did you?

its over and im glad he's happy. at least that makes one of us.

Through The Journey of Life

Do not undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others.

It is because we are different that each of us is special.

Do not set your goals by what other people deem important.

Only you know what is best for you.

Do not take for granted the things closest to your heart.

Cling to them as you would your life, for without them, life is meaningless.

Do not let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past nor for the future.

By living your life one day at a time, you live all of the days of your life.

Do not give up when you still have something to give.

Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.

It is a fragile thread that binds us to each other.

Do not be afraid to encounter risks.

It is by taking chances that we learn how to be brave.

Do not shut love out of your life by saying it is impossible to find.

The quickest way to receive love is to give love.

The fastest way to lose love is too hold it too tightly.

In addition, the best way to keep love is to give it wings.

Do not dismiss your dreams.

To be without dreams is to be without hope.

To be without hope is to be without purpose.

Do not run through life so fast that you forget not only where you have been,

but also where you are going.

Life is not a race,

but a journey to be savored each step of the way.

Always Be My Baby - David Cook

I carry your heart with me, I carry it in my heart.
I am never without it, anywhere i go you go, my dear;
and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling.
I fear no fate, for you are my fate, my sweet
I want no world, for beautiful you are my world, my true,
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
Here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide,
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart.. (I carry it in my heart).

- EE cummings

Broken Strings - James Morrison feat Nelly Furtado

im tired, the whole thing has exhausted me out, whether im still the same person anymore, i am not so sure. its been a while really since i had any time on my own at all, doing things for myself, establishing what has been lost, learning new things, hoping for new things, and believing in new things. some things has been so important on the surface, but deeper in, they actually have no meaning at all. im feeling mixed up again, about returning back to perth. im so used to my singaporean singlish that i din quite understand exactly when i spoke to my aussie frens last week. i dunnoe why i stayed this long, were they for valid reasons, or was i just waiting for some kind of miracle to happen, cos i tot my presence mattered. but being home has just made me realize nothing has changed, being in another country made me more matured etc about life in general. but somehow the smaller things, the more crucial things, nothing has changed really. i tot my aussie trip would do something to me, would heal some wounds, make me move on and maybe be a better person. but i guess what they say is true, packing ur bags and leaving aint gonna do anything, cos we are just bringing our old problems on board. it still starts and ends with me, and if i didnt spend the time and made the effort to change my life, even if i shifted to the north pole, nothing would change either. im tired of the constant battles i have with myself, the constant proof i am giving to people other then myself. im tired of running ard aimlessly like a chicken without a head. im tired of being the bigger person, when the smallest person really is just me. im tired of being confused and upset on an almost daily basis. its exhausting to have an emotional rollercoaster ride. and i just think i need to re-think my life, see a more positive outlook, and be strong about it all.

the past 2 weeks, i have been attending a christian church with a very good fren of mine. i had my qualms abt it of cos, cos of all the charismatic stories i heard about. but i felt a certain calling to it, like as it my good fren was supposed to be there for a reason. i went, with an open mind, and an open heart, and i am still waddling in the shallow waters, but for some reason, i really feel this certain connection now, like as if this was what i was supposed to do all along. its a little hard, shifting my mindset to something more outgoing rather then my very mellow catholism. but in a way, i did enjoy the singing, the making new frens, the certain look, these people have when they start talking about Christ, its like there's a reflection of something. something which i am now determined to have reflect from me too. its changing the way i think about alot of things. and maybe only now then i realized that i still have a chance at redemption. i still have room for improvements in my life, big changes even i am not aware of. i also joined her study group, which i surprisingly looked forward to each week. its quite advanced for me at this stage, but i understood most of what the teacher was trying to say. and somehow or rather, i know i want to develop this further.

i am in need of a entire new concept, a big paradigm shift towards life. and in need of a deeper sense of meaning and purpose in my life. one which makes me feel good about myself, 24/7 period. cos if i can love myself fully, for the exact purpose that im here for, i can make a difference in the world. i can do the impossible. and i can make an impact in peoples life. im not just talking about my frens or my family, they are who they are to me, and will always be dear to me. but something deeper then that, one that doesnt revolve solely around me, one that doesnt always put me first. i tried helping myself for so long, looking for avenues to which i can escape to, dimensions which made me feel good for just a wee bit. but at the end of it all, there's still something missing always. whether i was ready to accept that or not. i always felt like something was missing.

i love my life, and i couldnt be more grateful for that, but that is precisely the reason why i need this change. its not about me feeling comfortable. its about whether i can weather a storm, i put myself in. its about whether i can do something uncomfortable, something not within my comfort zone, something that can jolt me awake. maybe i need something drastic for me to finally realize. i feel fortunate for everything that i have, but what if i can do more. what if i can make a difference to someone less fortunate then me. what if i had an opportunity to spread the good news, be that person which people will always remember, not for myself as a physical person, not for my grades or my good work ethics. something more then that. something deeper.

i cracked my brains, and used up all my emotional energy in the wrong avenues, or maybe they werent wrong, just that i could have done better. i looked at life in a very superficial way, and no matter how much superficial things i have in my life, my heart still feels raw and empty. what could i have done better? there's no room for regrets or self-pity. life is afterall life. but the truth of life, thats what really matters to me. the truth of people. the truth of this world. if there's any truth at all.

21 years for me to have finally caved in. i cant do it alone anymore. i need someone bigger then me to come into my life, and take the driver's wheel, and allow His plan to shine thru me. my actions, my thinking, my soul. mistakes made me learn, but how much mistakes do i want to make before i really learn. why make the mistake at all, when u can obey and trust in Him, and know that whatever happens, it always has a reason behind it and it is always for the best. so regrets are inconsequential. they make u feel really bad for a while, but accept it, and know that it was there for a reason. i just do not want to make a mistake, where i wont have a chance to come back and amend it. life is short, and i can only appreciate what i have right now, right here.

travelling. its my dream to travel the world, learn diffent cultures, create a more holistic point of view. my honours meant the world to me, but really what is it for, other then my own monetary gain, and my correct career move. thats all it is. but what if i can do more then that, more then just aiming for that next high distinction. more then just that scholarship. what more can i do? that is the question. where will i go from here? how will i go from here? its having faith, knowing that my actions will one day mean something even if i dun see it now.

'Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. By faith we understand that the worlds were framed for the word of God so that the things which are seen were not made of things which are visible." - Hebrews 11:1,3.

it starts here, with me. Right here, right now.