its my first day back in perth. the weather's beautiful, i slept well cos my eyes were drained out from crying and i think today might be ok, since i am moving into my new place. nothing has changed in perth, but maybe the most hardest part is being here again, this time im really alone. he decided that one day before i leave, he wanted things to end. he did not verbally say anything, but his actions and his blog tells me enough. whether he admitted everything on his blog, at least i know i had always been right about him. when he chose not to see me on my last day and he chose not to send me off, it told me a lot abt him and what he felt for me. he is doing all this things to force me to leave. i think it's sad. that someone made so much effort to chase me away instead of making me stay. even when i called him last night, he just acted like as if nothing is happening and once again, just told me straight that he wants to be alone. like as if my hurting and crying din mean a thing. i dun even know why i bothered so much. maybe i tot i could be the one to save him from all that internal damage he has going on inside of him. but the truth is, he never wanted anyone. he has chosen to be alone, and meeting me was probably just nothing at all. it did nothing. it helped noone. and here i am, stuck at my own misery, at my own pool of shame, cos once again, i trusted tat i might find that person. this time around, i made sure i was the person for him, did everything i could. but still, everyone just thinks im being stubborn and foolish. whether or not he feels happy being alone, what about me? what about everything i have done for him? doesnt anything matter at all?

he wants me to leave him alone, and yes i can do that. but he is also making me deal with this alone. and i think that is plain selfish. breaking up is never easy one might say, but when he forces u to leave and forces u to deal with it alone, there's no damn reason, he just simply wants back his simple uncommitting life, where he can be happy being a nobody. and to think he said he loved me? what is love when you intentionally chase someone away for ur own sake. yes, maybe i dun understand his issues, but everyone has issues. and he is no exception. i tried for nearly 1 and a half years. and what does it matter? at the end of the day iam left with nothing to cry for anymore. it is all ok for him, cos this is what he wants. this is how he is happy, by forcing himself to pretend everything is nothing.

i do hate him for everything, every damn test he has put me through, every damn thing he has done to force me to prove my worth. if i am tat worthless to him, i was never worth a damn thing in the first place.

one day, when he looks back, he will see how much hurt he caused another human being, who loved him with all her heart. he will see how much damage he has done, by purposefully causing hurt to someone else. he will see how much i did, and yet he never saw it. he says he tried. well, u just didnt try hard enough did you?

its over and im glad he's happy. at least that makes one of us.