Runaway World - Making April

sometimes i wonder if me wanting a guy in my life is essential. maybe its bcos of the way society is, sometimes i just feel like being alone or ending up alone is the scariest thing in the world. having my family and friends are of cos an upbringing. but having someone close, someone intimate, to share with you everything, happiness, sadness, excitement, humour, good conversations, different opinions, working towards a common goal as a couple. its something different that cant be compared with having your family and friends. i know what i want in a guy, but whether i am what a guy wants in a girl is a different thing altogether. its about finding someone with the right frequency, someone who'd always be there for you when you need that person, but yet loving enough to let you go in times when you want to be alone.

school has been great, ive been getting so many praises from teachers, and i am really hoping i am making a lasting impression on each and everyone of them, cos its my final year. i want to be known so that at least when i apply for my honours, i am known. but when im not studying, or working or out with frens, i wonder. what would it be like to have someone who wants exactly what i have, exactly what i can provide. seeing my sister getting married to such a nice guy, i wonder if i too can ever find someone who'd love me exactly for who i am. no questions asked.

but to remain in the past is a hefty price, one im not sure if im willing to sacrifice.

i cant tell what it is that makes me question so much. i just know that we eventually move on from everything in life, when the dust has settled to the ground, and the world is scarce, who can i depend on? maybe i place too much priority in finding that one special person. maybe i am not ready to accept that i can be alone. cos no matter how much hurt i have healed from the past, the truth is, ur past never leaves u. i can look forward each day to a better day. but maybe im allowing perfection to be the enemy of better. this is a test from high above. the hardest is the one after a failed love.

what do people fear the most? some are scared of death, some of aging, some of losing all their wealth, some fear of getting a terminal illness or losing all their youth. what do i fear? that is the question, cos no one can love with fear, or fear with love.