Whole New Me - Jonathan Clay

i finally am ready to face up to how i truly felt this past few weeks. I had been hiding out in my own mind. i had been afraid to accept how i feel bcos i din wanna accept the fact that its really over, so i kept myself busy, made myself ignore it all, pretending that everything i felt would magically disappear. but after all this time, i finally realized i have to move on, whether i want to or not. its not a choice, its a decision. and i was waiting for the time i would be ready to make that decision. ive been going ard asking so many different people for advice, good guys, bad guys, girls that dont care, girls that care, casual frens, close frens, anyone basically. i just wanted advice, but all i got back was a whole different range of advice, which really brought me nowhere. cos inevitably the final decision would still have to come from me.

yesterday, i felt that i needed that time-out. no work, no studies, no contact with anyone, just me, myself and i. i thought of going to the beach with my favourite chapter of the bible, psalms. but the thought of seeing people, seeing them happy, i felt like i couldnt take that, so i decided to coop myself at home, shut myself out, just give myself one day. i always liked watching movies, reading a book, or listening to music to space out. music was out, cos i wanted something more in depth, i couldnt read either cos i din feel like it. so i decided to watch movies. i watched 4 movies, just to give myself alone time, and then when i finished watching, i opened up my bible and read psalms.

i realized then how selfish i had been, to the people ard me, and to myself. i shut myself out, ignored my insides calling out to me, ignored my good conscious telling me what to do. i wanted comfort, and i din care how i got it. i din care who i was hurting more by just caring abt myself. i din care if i hurt anyone, all i wanted was comfort and i looked everywhere else but myself. i called him so many times, ignoring the fact that i was suppose to leave him be, let him move on as well. but i didnt even care abt how he felt, how he must be as hurting as i am, and i wasnt letting him have peace even after we've broken up. i realized that God was leaving me alone to deal with all this, cos i was doing it all wrong. i closed up to Him as well, ignoring Him when he tried to make me see i was not doing it right. i realized how self-centered i was. and i hated realizing that truth abt myself. how long have i been this way? maybe thats why i seem to be suffering all the time, cos i cared abt noone but myself. as soon as i realized that i had no faith in anyone, no trust in anyone, and no care and love for anyone, i immediately went down on my knees, and prayed for forgiveness. i cried as i prayed cos i realized i have ignored everything, everything that would make me a better person. i hated the fact that i made so many mistakes in my life, hurt so many people in the process of always making myself feel better first. i prayed to be led in the right direction.

i woke up tonight, and i couldnt go back to sleep. i was avoiding going to his blog for so long, cos i din know how i'd feel if i read the past entries, the ones where it was all loving and caring. but i dared myself to face up to it, read what was in the past, accept it, and move on. as i read his past entries, i saw how unselfish he was, how much he just wanted to be simple, and how much he suffered being the best he could for me. i read the past entries where he wrote so deeply abt how he truly felt, and only now i see his true feelings. and i ignored it all in the past. after i read the entry abt how he felt when he was in perth with me, i couldnt continue. cos by that time, i read enough, to know how selfish i had been all this time. i cried reading the last time i would see him write i love you. but that was it.

maybe becos of the perfectionist i am, i always want things to be a certain way, and i plan so meticulously, i plan everything to such a perfect detail that i am blinded most of the time of what i am sacrificing, what or who i am hurting just to get what i want. my frens think i am scary when they see the way i plan things and how perfect they must be at all times. thats why when i let go, i go the total other extreme, and do things i ultimately regret. i need to find a balance, need to let go of perfection and see how much i am always just thinking of myself. i need to give myself more space, more room to make errors, and be ok abt it. as for the other extreme, its my bad side that i must change as well. cos ultimately there is no excuse for the bad things i have done, i can only accept them as mistakes, ask for forgiveness and try my damnest to never ever repeat them again. its all about self discovery. when u make mistakes, u see more in depth who u really are, and then u can ask urself, is this the person u want to be, and if not, change.

only now am i realizing how imperfect i actually am, eventhough i am an excellent student, i have so much more in my character i need to change. i need to firstly accept that when bad things happens to me, its noone's fault but me.

"He who is pregnant with evil and conceives trouble gives birth to disillusionment. He who digs a hole and scoops it out falls into the pit he has made. The trouble he causes recoils on himself; his violence comes down on his own head." Psalms 7:14-16.

And so He says, trouble and problems are inevitable caused but what you have done ultimately leads back onto yourself.

"In his arrogance the wicked man hurts down the weak; who are caught in the scheme he devises. He boasts of the cravings of his heart; he blesses the greedy and reviles the Lord. In his pride, the wicked does not seek him; in all his thoughts there is no room for God. His ways are always prosperous; he is haughty and your laws are far from him; he sneers at all his enemies. He says to himself, 'Nothing will shake me; I'll always be happy and never have trouble'. His mouth is full of curses and lies and threats; trouble and evil are under his tongue." Psalms 10: 2-7.

This is someone i pray i will never ever become.

"But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you. For surely, O Lord, you bless the righteous; you surround them with your favour as with a shield" Psalms 5:11.

once a very good fren of mine told me this, in times where you have strayed, and pretended that you dont need God in your life, God will destroy you, but he does that not to hurt you intentionally, he does that so you can come back to him, and becos of His grace and unfailing love, He will always welcome you back in open arms, He is always waiting for you to come back to him.

I find myself in deep solace, and deep meditation when i read verses like these, cos the bible is always there for you as a guidance, something to show you why ur going thru something hard now. everything happens for a reason, and the past is there for a reason. the past is there to remind you of mistakes you have made, the present is there for you to correct them and decide to change, and the future is where you will reap the seeds you planted in the present. the future is not ours to see, but the present; what you do today affects tomorrow. everyday is a new beginning, and what use does it do, being stuck in the past. I once said, whats there to look ahead when there is no future to see, and my reply was, thats why you have to look ahead, to see whats in the future; how else can you face the future, if ur always stuck in ur past?

I always thought that all i needed was a guy to always be there for me, to always tell me everything is going to be alright, to always love and cherish me. but no human can do that, if i cant be there for myself, if i cant tell myself everything is going to be alright, if i cant love and cherish myself first. but the best part about being alone, is that you're never ever really alone, God is always there for you.

I finally lay my head down, clasp my hands tightly together and silently forgive myself for all the hurt i have caused myself and others. I looked deep inside of me, and told myself, whats past is past, let it go. The future is bright, and my God will never leave me. Everything on Earth is temporary, when I have delusions and love for all things temporary, God will destroy me. Becos, we're all here for a certain purpose, and ultimately how we live and love on Earth will affect our treasures in the after life. God only wants two main things from us, to love him first and to do good. There is no point being too sad abt things lost, for God can take the things you love anytime. The more you love temporary things, the more God will make you suffer. Becos God is fair and righteous, and only He can make your life good, that is if you reciprocate.

And so, I finally found the answers i was looking for, the forgiveness i needed, and i hope one day the people i have hurt, will forgive me too. I can only do two things right now. Move on and change. Life is life, but to live without love, it is better to not live at all. Going thru this has made me realize i need to love myself first before i can love others, cos if i cant do that, i will always be selfish, always demanding everyone to love me and care for me, but i dont do back the same. I dont want to search for love, cos eventually God will bring my love to me. All i can do is hope, have faith and continue loving, not whats temporary, but what truly matters.