am i suppose to really believe, that if you love someone, you should let them free? why am i in a position, that i dun seem to understand that line. ive been over this over and over again, but somehow, it still all comes back to me, like as if dealing with it on a daily basis isnt enough.

somehow i wonder again, how did i come to this crossroads again, how did i manage to lose the thing i feared losing the most, and for what reason, i too dun even know. some days i get up, and i am skipping to school literally cos i feel the world is a joy, but other days, the same world is just put on my shoulders, and suddenly it is not a joy anymore.

i want to truly understand and believe, that everything happens for a reason, and i too want to just fast forward till the day i look back and see that reason, and understand why it all happened. but it seems so bleak now, so un-interfering, its like im forcing myself to see that reason so badly, when the only way to see that reason is in time. i feel like im being placed on a pedestral for every action i have done, every move that ive made, every word i have uttered. and if my heart was still beating whole, i wanna know how i can keep in that way, until everything goes away.

how am i suppose to understand what all these means, when i dun even understand what i as a person mean. having done so much, and see that doing just wasnt enough? i know in times like this, i should just open my bible, read a few phrases that pick me up, say a thank you prayer and go to sleep. but even though i forced myself to go out today, to at least get out of my room and be outside, all i could think abt was my phone which i left at home. like as if that one message could change everything. i believed in it so much, that i chose to have a blind eye on what i should really be believing. i trusted with every inch of my heart that i could do this. but then when everything falls apart right before your eyes, who do you blame. my efforts or the lack of someone else's or just unforseen circumstances, unrealistic expectations, and pure denial. thats the first stage, barganing follows closely behind, and then anger, grief and acceptance.

every single thing that reminded me of what happened at that spot in my school, or that spot in the city, or thinking why im not buying that calling card, topping my phone more then i usually do, and now what. i am here, typing random crap out, cos it'll make me feel better at the end of it. i need to know why, i need to understand how, and i need to be understood as well. communication hasnt always been my strongest suit, cos maybe i see actions speak louder, but no action can come from no talk. the talk always come first, and the action acts it out.

i wanna scream it all out, write it all down, but i cant. something is stopping me from doing that. maybe if i allowed myself to, i wont be able to get up. why is it so hard to explain? or am i just not ready to accept. and if so, tell me how.

2 hours of touch rugby today, made me feel good. i was hurting so much inside, and i just wanted to feel pain on the outside for once. i wanted to know pain did not only came from inside. so i tackled hard, ran hard and played hard. and i did feel good, as the adrenaline pumped me. my energy pouring out into that field. and it cleared my head. i need more days like this.

so hear me out, cos i have no one else to talk to, everynight as i close my eyes, nothing else can put me to sleep, except imagining how ur hands feel as it runs thru my hair, how your smell makes me feel at ease, how your kiss on my forehead makes me feel. cos thru all that, still those are the basic things i truly miss. good night.