Broken Strings - James Morrison feat Nelly Furtado

im tired, the whole thing has exhausted me out, whether im still the same person anymore, i am not so sure. its been a while really since i had any time on my own at all, doing things for myself, establishing what has been lost, learning new things, hoping for new things, and believing in new things. some things has been so important on the surface, but deeper in, they actually have no meaning at all. im feeling mixed up again, about returning back to perth. im so used to my singaporean singlish that i din quite understand exactly when i spoke to my aussie frens last week. i dunnoe why i stayed this long, were they for valid reasons, or was i just waiting for some kind of miracle to happen, cos i tot my presence mattered. but being home has just made me realize nothing has changed, being in another country made me more matured etc about life in general. but somehow the smaller things, the more crucial things, nothing has changed really. i tot my aussie trip would do something to me, would heal some wounds, make me move on and maybe be a better person. but i guess what they say is true, packing ur bags and leaving aint gonna do anything, cos we are just bringing our old problems on board. it still starts and ends with me, and if i didnt spend the time and made the effort to change my life, even if i shifted to the north pole, nothing would change either. im tired of the constant battles i have with myself, the constant proof i am giving to people other then myself. im tired of running ard aimlessly like a chicken without a head. im tired of being the bigger person, when the smallest person really is just me. im tired of being confused and upset on an almost daily basis. its exhausting to have an emotional rollercoaster ride. and i just think i need to re-think my life, see a more positive outlook, and be strong about it all.

the past 2 weeks, i have been attending a christian church with a very good fren of mine. i had my qualms abt it of cos, cos of all the charismatic stories i heard about. but i felt a certain calling to it, like as it my good fren was supposed to be there for a reason. i went, with an open mind, and an open heart, and i am still waddling in the shallow waters, but for some reason, i really feel this certain connection now, like as if this was what i was supposed to do all along. its a little hard, shifting my mindset to something more outgoing rather then my very mellow catholism. but in a way, i did enjoy the singing, the making new frens, the certain look, these people have when they start talking about Christ, its like there's a reflection of something. something which i am now determined to have reflect from me too. its changing the way i think about alot of things. and maybe only now then i realized that i still have a chance at redemption. i still have room for improvements in my life, big changes even i am not aware of. i also joined her study group, which i surprisingly looked forward to each week. its quite advanced for me at this stage, but i understood most of what the teacher was trying to say. and somehow or rather, i know i want to develop this further.

i am in need of a entire new concept, a big paradigm shift towards life. and in need of a deeper sense of meaning and purpose in my life. one which makes me feel good about myself, 24/7 period. cos if i can love myself fully, for the exact purpose that im here for, i can make a difference in the world. i can do the impossible. and i can make an impact in peoples life. im not just talking about my frens or my family, they are who they are to me, and will always be dear to me. but something deeper then that, one that doesnt revolve solely around me, one that doesnt always put me first. i tried helping myself for so long, looking for avenues to which i can escape to, dimensions which made me feel good for just a wee bit. but at the end of it all, there's still something missing always. whether i was ready to accept that or not. i always felt like something was missing.

i love my life, and i couldnt be more grateful for that, but that is precisely the reason why i need this change. its not about me feeling comfortable. its about whether i can weather a storm, i put myself in. its about whether i can do something uncomfortable, something not within my comfort zone, something that can jolt me awake. maybe i need something drastic for me to finally realize. i feel fortunate for everything that i have, but what if i can do more. what if i can make a difference to someone less fortunate then me. what if i had an opportunity to spread the good news, be that person which people will always remember, not for myself as a physical person, not for my grades or my good work ethics. something more then that. something deeper.

i cracked my brains, and used up all my emotional energy in the wrong avenues, or maybe they werent wrong, just that i could have done better. i looked at life in a very superficial way, and no matter how much superficial things i have in my life, my heart still feels raw and empty. what could i have done better? there's no room for regrets or self-pity. life is afterall life. but the truth of life, thats what really matters to me. the truth of people. the truth of this world. if there's any truth at all.

21 years for me to have finally caved in. i cant do it alone anymore. i need someone bigger then me to come into my life, and take the driver's wheel, and allow His plan to shine thru me. my actions, my thinking, my soul. mistakes made me learn, but how much mistakes do i want to make before i really learn. why make the mistake at all, when u can obey and trust in Him, and know that whatever happens, it always has a reason behind it and it is always for the best. so regrets are inconsequential. they make u feel really bad for a while, but accept it, and know that it was there for a reason. i just do not want to make a mistake, where i wont have a chance to come back and amend it. life is short, and i can only appreciate what i have right now, right here.

travelling. its my dream to travel the world, learn diffent cultures, create a more holistic point of view. my honours meant the world to me, but really what is it for, other then my own monetary gain, and my correct career move. thats all it is. but what if i can do more then that, more then just aiming for that next high distinction. more then just that scholarship. what more can i do? that is the question. where will i go from here? how will i go from here? its having faith, knowing that my actions will one day mean something even if i dun see it now.

'Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. By faith we understand that the worlds were framed for the word of God so that the things which are seen were not made of things which are visible." - Hebrews 11:1,3.

it starts here, with me. Right here, right now.