Runaway World - Making April

i couldnt bring myself to say anything. why would i? what would i be expecting out of it? i obviously allowed things to get messy today when i ran thru my past emails in my inbox. i had kept everything aside already, damning myself if i ever revisited those stuff. and yet when i opened some emails today, i couldnt stop the tears from forming. cos why would i want to intentionally hurt myself? i just felt powerless, inadequate when i formed all these illusions, these perceptions of how i wanted things to be. how i am planning for a day that was planned in the past, but now the presence isnt gonna connect that. i dont know if i can be strong enough on that day. i dunnoe if i can be strong enough to be that close, and yet seem so far away. when it isnt even going to be my day, how would i be able to handle it when it comes. maybe i am just putting myself down, making myself accept the hard facts in life. when the time comes to swallow that bitter pill in life, and i have no one to take it with me, i just sometimes feel lost. so unconnected. and so defenseless. i had so much time in the past, to correct what was wrong, to redeem what was lost. but now suddenly when i have all the time in the world, all i can do is look back at the times that was wasted. its like crying over spilled milk. i know so much tat these are just phases, phases that comes and go. but little things that reminds me and triggers my memories, i just cant help but feel so pulled in by all that im feeling. so much so that i forget what was really impt to me. i just need more of something. i just dunnoe what.