Better In Time - Leona Lewis

I thought love was about being happy. About finding that special someone who could make u feel head over heels in love, who could let u feel that ur always on cloud 9. i honestly believed it was just a matter of finding that person, who could make u laugh, and do stupid random things together, who could make u feel completely yourself without being afraid he'll judge u or anything else like that. coming from the kind of past i came from, i grew a lot of distrust over guys as i felt they always had an ulterior motive. i never believed i could be loved for i had a huge baggage and i had huge issues in my life. But then for a while i felt free of my baggage cos i met someone who made me feel my baggage is light, someone who i felt contented and happy with. someone i could laugh with and make jokes of all the wackiest stuff. it was crazy and we were crazy in 'love' with each other. Nothing could separate us and nothing could tear us down.

Until one day when a major major problem surfaced. It was my fault, as i had done the unthinkable and it was incomprehensible on both sides. It was a lot of drama and tears and lies, all wrapped into a huge messy junk of crap. at least thats what i thought so, until i woke up this morning and realized why. i blamed myself for everything that happened, cos it was my fault, but i did not stop to ask myself why. i was sorry and determined to make things right. but why? why do i wanna make it right? what right can i do? how much can i do? this was what i asked myself. It was very difficult for both of us at first cos we still had roaring feelings for each other. its never easy to completely shut everything out in a matter of days. so we held on thinking we can slowly forget about all the problems. but then i felt it wasnt right. i was feeling upset about the cold war we both were having so i cried could not eat sleep or study. and i felt that i could not face up to the real problem cos all i wanted was to feel better.

i wanted us to be happy again so badly. i so badly wanted to hear the familiar words of comfort and love, the familiar feeling in my heart. i so badly wanted to be normal again so i could be happy again. i wanted to be so badly in 'love' again. but then i woke up today and realized it. its one thing to be happy, cos the feelings u get from a happy relationship makes u crave for that happiness. but being happy just cos the situation is a happy one isnt gonna make things right or better. ur still not facing up to the real issue. happiness is one thing in a relationship, doing happy things together makes u happy to be in it, and when ur happy, u dun realize the pile of other feelings u are letting pile up. I always thought being happy in a relationship was enough but it actually isnt. Being happy is a bonus, when u get to do couple things together, when u get to share food, share music and other favourite things, when u get to kiss and make up ya its all happiness. but then when a real problem or a real test comes, happiness is removed from the equation and what is left? nothing. cos there was no communication to begin with.

Trust, compassion, commitment, effort, taking the initiative is all essential, but the most important thing is communication. without communication even trust, compassion, commitment, effort and taking the initiative can be lost. what is communication then? Its about being able to share every single thing in a relationship. good and especially bad. many a times, as a couple, as a starting couple, u tend to ignore or pretend the things that bother u dont bother u too much, cos u think its too early, and u dont want to appear jealous on insensitive too fast. but by hiding ur true feelings, esp bad ones, u cant just go on hoping ur partner will see it. its human nature to not see whats right in front of u. no one is perfect, and if one party just hopes that by doing everything perfect, the other party will realize by himself/herself the righteousness of it, it doesnt work that way. rship takes constant communication and even if a couple fights bout it, thats when they know each other better.

its not about being in a happy, mediocre or sad rship, its about the basic principles of love. Always communicate and when u do, trust and all the things will develop. it takes time to communicate effectively and over time, a couple does it out of mutual trust and understanding. they develop that bond. trust isnt just letting ur partner do what he/she wants and knowing he/she wont do anything wrong. trust is something where u risk something. u tell someone how u feel even if its negative and trust that person wont blow at u. its trusting that even if u say something that might risk having a fight u still do it, cos u know its impt and that its gonna help the rship in the end.

its the same with friends. the closer u are to a fren, the more trust u can only develop if u quarrel. i have just learnt that keeping any negative feelings u have with someone, just makes it all more harder to trust, and when a blow out happens, u get to know the person better and u realize what the other person liked or disliked. u learn from there and improve from there, and the next time u may argue about a totally different thing but again its about knowing the person better again. being happy isnt pretending that no negative feelings are there, cos then u start to develop a misunderstanding and suddenly a fight breaks out and sometimes its too late by then and the friendship/relationship is lost forever.

knowing someone isnt about knowing whats their fav colour, food, interests, music etc etc. its about knowing what the person character really is and understanding why they are like that. ppl are the way they are. different people have had different upbringings and past. so no one thinks the same about anything. its the similar interests that keeps a couple or a friend interested in each other but its the differences that make them last.

so i cant say that a happy relationship has no problems. its just as bad as a bad relationship, maybe yes u enjoy the happiness. but without communication and bonding, even a happy relationship is not enough. love is when u forgive without any grudges, when u trust without fearing if u voice out u will end up in a fight, compassion comes with trust cos once u fight and realize why the other person is like that, u can understand what its like to be in their shoes, commitment when u know its takes time to develop that bond and mutual understanding, effort when u know its what u do to really know the person instead of just making him/her happy by bringing them to places, buying things for that person etc. and finally, when u realize its not just about being happy, but a constant process of give and take, a constant process of talking everything out and not fearing u will fight with the person and when u can completely be honest with each other with no lies or ignoring of negative feelings.

its funny how u realize that only when u go thru hardship or suffering, or a major fight with someone, u realize it was just a misunderstanding most of the time. and a misunderstanding could have been prevented with communication. but by that time, one party might feel that its too much, he may have felt he has put in so much, he means that he tried not to tell of his negative feelings hoping things will shine and be good. but when the fight occurs, he feels its too much cos all the feelings he held back before are all banging down on him at once. thats when ppl give up cos its too much to bear.

therefore i conclude that i may not have been the perfect gf, or him the perfect bf, but we did try to be happy no matter what. and that was our mistake. being happy and accepting that happiness was enough. well it isnt. there is so much much more to being in a relationship. as i said in a previous post, its about being in a Loving Relationship. Love is one thing. Relationship is another thing. Its how u gel these two things together to get where u want to with that person. Thats why ppl end up getting divorced, cos they thought if they were happy it was enough, they forgot about the Relationship part. A reality check was made for me. and i now know its not just about happiness, having happy memories. I now know what other things can go wrong even if ur happy, without communication the happiest couple will still f up. thats why u have couples that u know of who seem to be so into each other, so happy and suddenly they break up for no apparent reason. Its never whats on the surface alone. Its because they lacked communication and when something surfaced, it was too late. The damage was done and because there was no communication, nothing can be solved. When u fail to communicate, a whole lot of feelings gets build up over time, and when a mistake or a problem surfaces, the problem is magnified the amount of time u have kept it inside.

Thats why when someone who kept in it, finally lets in out, the amount of emotions felt is tremendous and the amount of hurt and dismay is multiplied to an infinity times. At this point, the hurt and build up feelings is too much and ppl give up. Love fails and then he goes on in life never doing anything for anyone again so scared the same thing will happen again. But if he never communicates, the next rship will have the same problems but just in a different form. It takes time to really communicate and have that mutual trust and understanding. even couples who have been with each other for10,20, 30 years still havent figured it out. Its all about communication and developing it.

We were happy. but happiness wasnt enough. I did have my fair share of mistakes, but it takes 2 to clap. I cant begin to feel what i am going to face in the future, but at least now i know why a happy relationship can also end so quickly and suddenly. I am sorry i have hurt u and myself.
At least now you and i know what might have went wrong. Somethings that are not meant to be will never be. Learn from your mistakes and learn the basic principles of love and yourself. If u cant trust yourself or not be confident of yourself, how do u expect to trust someone else and be confident of someone else. Hurt and pain makes u realize what u wouldnt have realized if it had always been peaches and cream. I now am not a fan of finding that person to make me happy, its about finding that person who is willing to fight with me and tell me whats wrong when he feels something is wrong. Open communication and full on honesty. This applies not only to couples, but also to family and friends. I now know what i have to aim for. And i now know i can let it go. Thank you for everything.