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Who was i kidding? Myself? the people around me? my friends? my colleagues? my family? who exactly was i kidding to have thought i found something so incredibly unique, to have found something so strong and defiant, i had all confidence of what i had achieved and what i had found. but it all amounts to nothing. it was all too fake, too bloody obvious to the whole world but yourself. stop kidding yourself and wake up, life isn't all peaches and cream. now i can see you laughing, laughing at me now, cos i thought i was sure. i was so darn sure. of you, of us, of me. i thought i had everything i wanted, friends, family, a secure job, a piece of me that was sewn back all its pieces one by one, every edge carved out, everything was buffed to be clean and free again. and i had it all under my covers. showed my strength, thought i had that inner strength to overcome it if it happens again. it feels like i was on a carpet, a beautiful carpet with intricate details, every stitch, every knot, every design and pattern had a special meaning, and as i looked around me feeling every bit of beauty it had, and all of a sudden, someone yanked that very carpet right off me, and i fell flat to the ground. the hard cold empty ground. no cushioning. no fall back. no beauty. nothing.

i had a best guy friend once. he was always there for me, even at times i thought i had no one, he was always close by. whenever i had problems with my bf, he'll be the first i call, cos he's a guy, he could give me a guy's perspective. he always knew how to make me feel better, and though he wasn't a typical guy, his advice was not only accurate and convincing, but at the end of it all he always made me feel better. in small subtle ways. it was comforting having a friend such as him whom i could depend on. i knew always he wasn't helping me cos of some motive he had, like what most guys do in general. i knew he was genuine in his advice, even though he liked me, he never once encouraged me to end things with my bf no matter how hard things got. i felt great comfort having him as my friend.

i thought i knew what i was doing when i accepted the transition. it was perfect as friends, so what could go wrong as a couple? i dont know. i just know that sometimes something's aren't meant to be. thats life. you have no control over it at all. you can try your damn hardest but realize it was futile. no matter how perfect you seemed in the beginning, a relationship always complicate things. have i learnt my lesson? i guess not.

and now as history repeats itself, not only do i feel stupid and really frustrated. i have nothing else to feel. i thought i had made it through, thought i overcame it all. but i dint even clear the tip of the iceberg. i have sunken further below into the wilderness. the emptiness. the remorse eats me up slowly. why? why did i agree to this.

there's noone i can talk to now.

i had a friend, but i no longer have one.

i never felt more alone in my life.

and just when i am 2 weeks away from leaving. i suppose its perfect timing. cos at least distance will heal my heart much faster. i dont need to stay and cram in singapore and face the possibility of running into you. i really wanted to understand, but i guessed nothing's changed. and i am same old same old. why did i ever pretend i was fine and ok. it was eventually gonna leak out. i do not have it. i do not have it.

just go away. leave me alone.

i am better off alone.

noone can take hold of me.

just go and dont come back. i'm leaving anyway, dont bother trying.

why did i believe in myself so much? why was i that stupid? why does the same shit happen to me over and over again. i know you're out there somewhere. but i dont believe in you. so it will never happen to me. tears are no longer cos i'm sad. they are there cos they are. i have nothing else to say. i'm sorry.