Let Me Go - 3 Doors Down

its been a long time since i cried myself to sleep.

i just couldnt take it. i felt so alone. and i know there were ppl sincerely there for me, but sometimes, you just feel that no one really understands how you feel.

sometimes even though you are trying your hardest to prove to someone, the fact of life is that people never notice your hard work or the effort you put in, but when you make a mistake whether minor or major, everyone will notice it.

I've always been an independent person, meaning i usually don't depend on what others think of me, i just go all out for it, and the more a person doesn't believe in me, the more determined i am to prove that person wrong. it has been like this for the longest time. except for one person. i could not ignore anything this person says, i crave for her to notice my effort. i want her to see how hard i am trying, how hard i am working. i do it for her, knowing studies and work is what i do best. i stay in my job cos she asked me to. i stayed in my course cos she asked me to. i chose biomedical science cos she asked me to. i listen to her, cos she's my mum.

and maybe she shows her appreciation for me in a not very obvious way. maybe she just doesnt want me to get complacent. maybe she doesnt want me to be too proud of myself. but whatever the reason, i just wish sometimes, she would squeal in delight, or really congratulate me, or bring me somewhere or have a small celebration. i just want to know she is proud of me and she notices me.

when i chose to go to an Australian uni, it wasn't her choice. she wanted me to get into a local uni. but i refused. i flatly told her i don't believe in the education system here. i wanted to study independently. i wanted to go abroad. and i know that achieving this is mine. of cos she supported me immensely, telling me that going overseas is always a good experience. but I chose to go to an Australian uni. I chose it, not her.

So when we had that argument and she told my brother how she might cancel my studies, i dint feel angry. I just felt sad. It still hurts me to think she would want to put my studies on the line, knowing so well how long i've waited for this day. She feels i might not be ready since i had lost my temper at her. She felt i needed to learn my lesson.

But this is my studies. My uni studies. Its not some funfair for me. I'm actually going over to work my ass off. and of cos, as i said, she probably doesn't notice that. just like the day i top my standard and moved to express. like the day i got top ten in class. like the day i got top in o levels for humanities. she doesnt see it.

and then i thought about it, choosing uni in Australia was my choice. my well-being. what i wanted, with no influence from her whatsoever. So its my plan. And for the first time, i din do it becos she asked me to, so at this point, i am doing it for myself. Getting an Australian degree is for myself. But studying hard, making sure i get a good job so i can support her next time, of cos its too early to show her that. For now, my studies is for me. she may be proud of me, but I want to do this on my own. I want to prove to myself i can do it. I want to prove to no one.

Things may be very rough now, but its just part of the journey. There's never a perfect plan. We can only change, improve and see the better side of life. Change is constant. (thanks dear, your statement fits perfectly in this sentence.)

Expect that things will sometimes not go the way you planned. Murphy's Law. Always expect the unexpected. And never do things for anyone. Cos at the end of the day, its what you have achieved for yourself that will make you continue in that journey of life.