How it feels to be me

have been thinking alot these couple of days.. feeling woozy abt certain stuff, past feelings resurfacing, emotions getting high in the way. my big 2-0 is coming in 3 days time. need i say more? sighs dunnoe why my mind's feeling messed up. guess cos he's inside now, its like suddenly have all the time in the world to let my mind wander.. and u know how its like when u allow ur mind to wander. u start thinking of crap u din wanna think abt. my reflections has begun. feeling the urge to do some soul searching, find some aims and purposes in my life. even mum sat me down to give me a talk abt life. felt much better cos then i realise some impt things. but at the same time felt like crap cos once again, mum proves to be right. she's always right when it comes to things. call it motherly instincts. but whatever she says always gets to me, cos i know she's being honest abt everything.

i guess i have let myself go a little more then i wanted, or a little more then i ought to. been feeling so high in life for some time, i knew my down time was coming soon. knew life couldnt be that easy and fun. but din expect it to come so near my bday. kinda scared, at the same time excited. cos my future is starting soon. its the decision i make now that will grant me what i am going to do for the rest of my life. i wanna choose right, know that i'm steering in the right direction. dun wanna end up feeling shit why did i do this. why couldnt i have done that or this. it boggles me. life. its so unpredictable and just has a way of making u feel so confused and vexed abt something you may have thought to be simple.

i know i've been too comfortable at cafe and now at the eye centre. been trusting ppl too easily. been giving in too easily. i hate this part abt me. giving out so freely then wanting to change things when it turns sour. always feeling like i cant accept whats infront of me. but that might be my only way out. that may be the best solution for me. i feel so much sometimes. let my emotions do the thinking. not thinking before i say or do things. unknowingly stepping on ppls toes, or sounding arrogant or boastful. but its like no matter what, ppl will always have second tots abt me. i talk too much at times. make ppl feel inferior or intimidated. guess i show this side of me when i start being comfortable. and i gotta know where to draw the line. between my personal life and my work life. have to know when to step back when i realise i'm getting too comfortable with someone. cos i know i have the tendency to show my bad points when my guard is down.. i have to know how to be out there yet still guarded. have to protect myself without damaging myself. have to tell the difference with being open but not being too friendly cos certain ppl esp those i dunnoe might get the wrong idea abt me. i have no intention of putting anyone down, though i gotta admit, my attitude problem does put me in difficult situations. i need to readjust. just lie low for now. cos i already made the mistake of saying more then i should at work. damn.

my minds been wandering. been stepping into forbidden territory. maybe i'm just confused. he's been so nice to me, and he's so serious abt me. but i'm just not ready. i cant. its not fair to him and to me as well. i still havent fully grasp myself yet, i dun have the full grip yet. i'm halfway there and i cant start on something which i cant give my full. i just appreciate all that he's done for me. i know its hard for him inside. he prolly feels more for me cos of that reason. but its not fair. i'll be leaving soon. and i cant promise anyone anything. i'm sorry.

my life's upside down now. but i need to stand upright. cos i gotta fix things, make it right. gotta take two steps back, take a look at what's ard me and ask myself, what do i want, and what do i need. true best frens i already have. do i need more then what i already have? i feel lost. feel like i could have done better. tot i was surviving well. knew i could do it. but sometimes it gets to u. makes u feel woozy abt everything. i hate/love this feeling.

i should spend more alone time next week. gotta pull myself together b4 my 20th bday. i just gotta focus. reflect and remain strong. for now lie low. and remind myself to take two steps back each time i wanna say or do something. thanks daph for making me realise what i gotta do. and my mum too. its up to me.