Run - Leona Lewis

"Its like finding your perfect match. Someone who knows all your good and bad. Someone whom you dont have to hide yourself from. Someone who makes you feel safe. Love does not doubt anything. Love accepts everything. Love is finding your best friend." - Melinda Gordon, Ghost Whisperer.

Ive been having insomnia these couple of nights. Im not too stressed out about my exams. But i always feel like this at the end of my semester, when i am ready to go home. I always ask myself what have i done so far? what have i achieved so far? what problems do I have that I have yet to solve? And it keeps me awake knowing that another 6 months have passed. and i am still in the same rut. chasing something down. when there's nothing left anymore. i just wonder how i can be without you.

Its beautiful to be alive. to sense everything around you. To know that life is life with its prevails and entities. Life is full, and sometimes i think that memories are beautiful, if there wasnt a past to it. I can sense what is out there, something much bigger and better than I am. but when you've been thru life's prevails, and you know how much pain is out there, you cant help but hold on to things with dear life. when you had something for so long, letting go seems like im in a deep black hole, with a turbine at the bottom of the hole, and no matter how hard i try to climb out im stuck. its like i know that the light at the top is so wanting, so dear, but im not trying hard enough, bcos maybe subconsciously i like being in my black hole. sometimes just being alone is the best thing. you dont feel any hurt. you dont need to fight anymore. you dont need to answer to anyone. you dont need anyone. you're just there and noone cares.

I stay up thinking of the same thing that fills my head the whole day. the same thing which comes to my head first thing when i open my eyes. For now, my dreams seem better then reality. And i sometimes rather sleep and not wake up. On days when i see everything around me that is so incredible, I feel like there's these two driving opposite forces, driving people into conflicts. you can only appreciate beautiful things for one moment. then that moment is gone. I myself have opposing conflicts every single day. and i am sure its the same for everyone else out there. but the thought of being alone when ur facing these. i dont know if i will ever stop fighting. when i can let go and just let it be. i dont think i ever can.

i wanna hide. cos one day im there, the next day im not. its like time flies so fast. everything can be gone in a blink of an eye. im angry. im pissed. and i feel like there's noone to blame but myself. sometimes i just want to scream my head off. climb the highest mountain and just free myself. let all the anger out. all the bitterness. all the useless things i have tried. it was easiest to hide it all away. nothing's going to be ok. life is just life.