Four To The Floor - Starsailors

I only think, like really think at two very specified times of the day. 1) when im in a long bus ride, and the scenery out there is so nice, my mind will start to wander. and 2) when its dead quiet at night. i have a weird studying pattern, i sleep early and get up at like 1am and study the whole nite thru and sleep back in the morning or go straight for my paper. it works and i like knowing i have some kind of definite plan that works. i just have to be disciplined enough to get up when i have to and have buttloads of red bull the next day. i sometimes wish life and love was like that. we can find some definite plan to follow and everything will be definite. thing is, life and love isnt abt planning. its abt trusting your instinct, knowing that even without a plan, trusting yourself is the best thing to do. problem is, i suck at that. honestly, i am terrible at making instinctive decisions, except for my studies that is. and he, has that courage, that strength to tell me that i just wanna do everything rite, cos i know if i do, i will be able to be happy and make you happy. he trusts himself so much, and sometimes i get so scared that one day he wont have that trust for me anymore. i think the bigger issue abt trust, is just believing in one's self, and knowing that eventhough you cant see it, you still do your best at it. in other words to have faith. i am wrong about a lot of things maybe because im just too paranoid and too subjective to every single thing that happens. i am very particular, and maybe thats why i am such a hard person to be with. i have my flaws, ones that would make any person run far far away. but i dunnoe why. at the end of the day, its always him. we can have the hugest most crazy arguments, but he'll still be there. just not in an obvious way, but in a i-dun-wanna-talk-to-you-but-im-still-here-if-you-need-me way... and i think that is so sweet. its hard just trusting just believing that everything is so nice and nothing wrong is gonna happen. i just wanna take everything one day at a time. im happy for her, finding someone who loves her that much despite, really despite all her obvious flaws. i guess love is just love when ur in love. he loves me, thats for a fact. and i do too. it just takes much more then love to really be with someone. and he was telling me, isnt it better to fight now, let every mini problem out of the way, then when we eventually get to be together, it will be a smooth ride.. i agree. i rather fight now, have every debocal thrown in and then when we are more grown up, things would be just natural.. i just cant wait to be back for now. ill leave the future where it is.. and brooding too much over it isnt gonna help anyone.. trust and faith.

thank you dear, for everything and always being there despite everything else..