I Believe - Blessed Union of Souls

Its hard when you know what you should do, and why you should do it, but you dont know how to do it. its easy to come up with all these reasons, all this ways of uplifting yourself, but when it comes it just comes. i have been trying to make myself busy, laughing a lot hoping i can put everything behind me one step at a time, but i find it increasingly difficult, and i cant be more destructive than i already am. i just thought things, of all things, this would work out, this would be the one. but here i am talking about moving on. and it hasnt even been a year yet. i blame myself for wanting everyone to unclog that mess inside of me, thinking im better after all these years. but once you've got it, it sticks with you. it takes conscious effort to make yourself aware of the stuff going on inside of you, and making it easier for yourself and the people around you. if i portray to be someone of deep dislike for myself, then eventually people see it. i cant help but want to depend on someone, make me feel like im not alone in this. but truth is, i am and always will be. i have always been alone, i was just too afraid to face up to that. im afraid of being alone. i fear not being able to have someone with me always. its different when i talk about my family, but outside of my family, who else is there for me. i have always knew what my problem was, but deep inside i really thought i could ignore it, and it'll go away. but it doesnt go away. in fact it gets worse and worse and eventually in just one small micro tick, and i burst. give it all away. make myself feel so down that my heart breaks into a million pieces, as a surge of all the hurt i left behind comes spilling through. i thought for once, i could be myself, be exactly who i am, but it backfired. it backfired so bad and now it is unredeemable. i just want to finish my studies, start my career and leave the rest up to God. i cant be the master of my life anymore. i can only survive.