Here By Me - 3 Doors Down

So ive been up these few nights as it gets closer till the day I get to see him again.. I got so used to talking to him every day, telling him every piece of news, information, every emotion, every thought, every worry, every anticipation, every complaint, everything I want to say, he knows. And how I got so used to talking to him every night, even one night of not talking to him, I can’t sleep.. I know, it’s not good to be so dependent on him, esp in a long distance relationship and he’ll be going into army in a couple of months, but still I just want to have him as much as I possibly can and when the day comes where I have to get used to something all over again, I’ll just do it.. but for now I just wanna be happy and feel like a small girl waiting for her birthday present.. on the 23rd.. and then my actual birthday on the 27th... (:

I always have this feeling that life is so much bigger then who we are, and sometimes it really scares me to know now everything we do can’t be controlled, and yet everything we do has this effect, this repercussion, this consequence, this reaction. No one gets away completely clean and pure from everything, we have so little control in what will happen, and sometimes we try so hard to control things that should be left alone, and yet the things that we can really take control of, no one really gives a crap. And how we always take things for granted whether we realise it or not.. How we sometimes yearn so much for something, the more harder it is to get it.. It’s like an odds game, the more you want it, the more you can’t have it.. And nothing is perfect on Earth.. How our lives is preset, predetermined to a certain extent, and sometimes it’s easier to pretend we have no control of what happens in our lives, cos that frees us from the responsibility of being conscious of everything we do. We’re all control freaks and hypocrites to a certain extent, how sometimes we just want to prove a point so badly that that’s the only thing we aim for in our lives. Some kind of proof that we’re alive and we’re not governed by anything but ourselves..
I’ve been having those dreams, those kind where you don’t want to dream of but it’s just something u can’t control.. Why do we have dreams we know in reality won’t happen.. But that’s human right? We just fear what’s in the unknown. All this time I have always been so captivated by having a dream, having this goal to pursue.. But the world has much much more bigger issues more than whether I’ll have money for the next month, more than if I’ll do well for my exams.. And it saddens me to think life is so damn freaking gigantic and no one gives a damn until something bad happens. All my views are slowly changing, now I am beginning to think more holistically cos the world doesn’t revolve just around me. I do have my dreams, ones which involve helping the less fortunate, but that’s for later, when I am older and more financially secure.. And it all starts with home if not you’ll be a hypocrite for wanting to help others, but not your own family. For now, I just need to know I will have money to survive and exams to score well in, and a guy, a very dear person who will be visiting me in just 9 days... (:

“I’ve always wanted to be with you because it’s you, not because of first-girlfriend syndrome or anything like that, if I wanted to try this out with someone, I’d want that person to be you and no one else, it’s not too complicated or too hard to comprehend, because I love you for you, and it has always been that way. I love you for very simple reasons.”

“If love was supposed to feel like this, I know it sounds foolish, kind of like reaching for the stars, but I never want to let you go.”