Too Little Too Late

Its finally taken a toll on me. after all those months and days before leaving of surpressing and holding back all that emotions, they all finally came crashing last night and today. i knew it was coming, cos i din cry on my takeoff, din cry when i was leaving, din cry at all. i tried to just ignore everything for a while tried to get distracted by sch and the boys at home, but when it hit me, it hit like a ton of bricks. and as if that wasnt enough, mum got pissed at me because i was making her worry, whatever reason that was. i mean, i can only hold my feelings back for so long, and being the emotional person i am, holding and surpressing back my emotions has never been my forte. well, at least it came, because if not, i would still be in ignorance.

i cried it all at once while i sat on that ground behind locked doors crying hard into that towel so noone would hear me, but after that, i told myself thats it. i can only cry once to let it go, and there shouldnt be anything more then that. i'm starting sch, and if my emotions run as high as it did today, my books will be nowhere near me. felt lonely, cos i wanted someone i was really close to, to be beside me. i miss my sister who's the first and last one there for me. i miss him hugging me. but its all in the past now. i cannot dread on them, cos as much as i hate having to agree with mum, she's right, i need to have a different mentality now. nothing's the same anymore. and all that i had in spore should no longer be lingering in my mind. as i looked out the car windows today just looking and looking, my aunt realised how awfully quiet i was and when she came over to ask if everything's alright, i wanted to cry but i held back. i cant be so weak anymore. its my shot and i only got one shot. i wanted to hold on, but i think it would be easier if i just let go. he knows how much i loved him, and thats enough for now. i miss home. i miss u. and i miss astrid.