Learning to Breathe - Nerina Pallot

It’s my first entry since 23rd of Feb 2008, Saturday. The day I packed my bags and left Singapore in pursue of my university studies. The day I left all I had behind, and brought with me only the things I knew would be of my benefit. The strength, courage, hope and faith I incorporated in those days I thought I was going to lose it. All the new things I have bestowed upon myself. I left on full convince that this was what I wanted, that all I ever wanted was to be here, and nowhere else. And I still feel very convinced. The new places, new things, new culture and environment, it’s refreshing. I have space to breathe and I have no boundaries or limitations. I feel free to do whatever I want. It’s been a week, and I do feel home sick, but I tell myself, consciously remind myself why I’m here. I have to remind myself why I wanted to leave so badly, look around me and appreciate all the new things surrounding me. It’s magical, being so new to everyone and everything. It’s like being on a reversed mode of life. Everything is reversed for a while, while I slowly take in every single thing.

I just had a long talk with him. I miss him. His smell, his touch, his lips on mine, his hands wrapped around my hands, his hair that brushes onto my face as he leans forward to kiss me, his bear hugs, his heaving chest as I lay on them, his curly hair, his laughter and his smile. I miss him more than anything. And it’s been hard not having an exact definition of where we’re going with all this. I enjoy living here and I can imagine myself staying here. It needs readjustment but I love the suburbs, I love the lakes, rivers, beaches and gardens. I love the lifestyle of everyone. I love the non-competitiveness and the non-blatant followers, I love the freedom, I love the family-oriented and non-stressful lives. I love the front porches where families have barbeques. I love the couples that are walking the dogs by the park. And yes, I still miss him amidst all that. I wish to explore all these areas with him. He has a mentality which can’t be defined. His heart is so pure and genuine that it may seem too good to be true to many others. But that’s him, he is just the way he is and there’s no why as to the things he does. He just does it out of pure goodwill. And no one can change who he is. He was so good to me and is still so good to me even after I told him that I don’t think we’re gonna make it. It’s been heaven the last five months and the last one year as close friends. And I thought maybe we had a chance. But I backed out. Cos I don’t have him with me. I wished things could be easier. But life never is easy. Just when you found the perfect person to be with, distance tears u apart. And like he said, it’s facing reality. He knew sooner or later it was going to happen. He just pretended for a while that things would be good. He spoke to me all about embracing change, and all these sayings and metaphors he came up with really made me feel at ease. I thought it was gonna have to be me to ease him, but even as he is hurting, he wants to ease me. He has the heart of such purity, I feel like a complete arse for doing what I am doing. I love him, that’s a fact. But the fact also remains that I’m here and he’s not. For all that matters, I want him to know that he was the best thing in my life, he made me the happiest and I will never forget him, as signified by the ring he got me in Bintan still on my finger.

“The true test of strength isn’t how you resist change, but how you embrace it”

“Be happy with everything you have because this is all you’ve been working for. Don’t let anything hold you back. I hope all this will take that burden off your shoulder. “

I am a coward in love. I either love so much till it becomes wrong or I back out before I get hurt or before I hurt anyone. Who is such an extreme in love? I think I am not meant to be in love. Maybe I will never find the true meaning of life and love.

But we all have to make sacrifices right? We lose some, we gain some. It’s part of life, it’s part of the journey. Relationships and friendships can be broken by distance, but the distance in the heart will never change. For special people will always have a special place in my heart.
We promised each other, that no matter what we’ll remain the best of friends.. Even 10 years later we’ll still be in touch. And one day when both of us are free, we’ll accomplish that dream of travelling together. For now, we both need to move on with our lives, and support each other in everything. I know how much he loves me and how he will always have me in his heart. He holds the same position in mine.

As for school, everything is done and prepared. I need to wake up and sit up straight for this is it. This is it. I cannot allow anything or anyone to change my goals. My timetable is all perfect and ready. School is just a few days away. Everything will soon fall into place. I know it will. Cos I have faith.

*thank you dear for everything you have ever given me, or done for me. You have been the love of my life and I appreciate every single thing you have sacrificed and lost for me. You have been my world, and you have been everything I even wanted and needed in a guy. Take great care and best wishes is everything you do. I love you always. *