The difference

The difference between drinking alcohol and handling ur normal feelings is that when ur ready to feel sober, u just puke everything out, and everything's back to normal. The thing about feelings is that no matter how badly u wanna sober up, u cant just vomit everything out. and the vomit of emotions that are bubbling ferociously in my heart is becoming a concoction that might just overflow, or if i'm lucky, will start to simmer down. I doubt that.

I'm also beginning to lose hope in my threshold for happiness. My turn over rate is 24 hours, and i'm getting tired of having to deal with the multitudes of extreme feelings every 24 hours. One day i'm over the moon. the next day i've never felt worse. I am so disappointed that now the problem has escalated to an even worse state then i can possibly imagine. My options has completely run dry. And here i am, doing the best i can. When in the first place there was nothing i could do.

Maybe i should stop using 'I' in sentences. I should substitute it with you,her,him,them,they,us. But not me. Whenever i feel this way, i just wanna burrow deep down into my hidden cave, and just watch the world go by above me. I wanna put everything off , and i wanna just sit there until its safe to come out. At this point of time, its always better to talk to someone, but its weird, i just dun feel like talking to anyone. Not even to my sister. Cos i dun think anyone would understand. And i dunnoe why, but i feel this calming sense of sadness. Like i'm ready to admit defeat. Like i can smile with tears in my eyes. The enemy is still at bay. And my army of feelings can no longer carry on. Here's my white flag. Thank God work will be busy. At least i can not think abt stuff for a while.