Please Be Careful With My Heart - Jose Mari Chan & Regine Velasquez

i cant sleep, im tired, im lying in bed, the winds are howling outside, and the leaves are shuffling like crazy. but somehow, i feel like something is keeping me awake. maybe i just dont want to sleep, cos today has been a sufficiently alright day. i didnt study today, and thus i am actually enjoying my day off. but somehow, i still feel like something is amiss. tmr's another day, another day to being closer or farther then where i want to be. i love how i am always sure of my future, how i can always plan things out so meticulously and follow it so diligently. but the thing that really scares me is not knowing. waiting. like as if i need all the answers with me before i can do anything else. i hate idling around, i hate not being able to plan something in advance, and most of all i hate putting effort into things which i know for a fact isnt going to work, not that i am not trying hard enough, but its like, the world, and life is so unpredictable. i spend my whole life planning, organising, being a better somebody, but what if in the end all that is for nothing? what if in the end, i dont actually have something i can be truly happy about? what is happiness? it is the joy of success? what is success? i guess all these random unanswerable questions are keeping me up. i cant make the people who dont love me, love me. i cant be a different person to keep up with people's expectations. i cant be anyone else but me. but i feel like im losing myself, progressively. its like i dont know anymore what i really want out of life. the more i want something, the more it just doesnt seem to be, and what is really the point of working so hard, when ultimately it can only happen if its meant to happen. i thought i knew all the steps i had to take, but in the process of being that person, i lost who i am. who i truly am. its like i lost myself for a long time now. and i wonder if i can ever be that carefree, naive girl again. if i can ever let my hair down, and smile with that confidence, not caring about anyone else's thoughts of me. during my 1.5 years of independence here, it changed who i am. and im stuck with things that are familiar, cos im scared of the new me, of the new direction. i am scared i will lose it all before i even have a chance to begin. and i question myself all the time. whether all this will be worth it one day, whether the people i meet are the ones who will stick with me. whether anyone out there will stand up for me, and whether one day i can be myself again. life gives you what you want if ur honest with what u want out of life. thats the problem. people are so hard to trust, and when u decide to put ur heart out there, its a risk, a gamble. a stupid game of tug and war. i just want peace, love, hope and compassion. i dont want love that is not from within. love is from within, not when the situation needs you to be. i just am looking. no matter where i turn, im alone. and its harder when u are next to someone and still feel alone. i wish i knew what to do.