Silver lining behind every cloud

being happy and staying happy is two entirely different things. i am happy. i am fine. but deep in my heart, the spot still burns. i dun cry anymore, nor think of him. and i dun do things to make myself feel temporarily happy. i'm just being myself, loving my life. and seeing the glass as half full on most days.

all my life i always thought that i had it going hard for me. i never felt once that things came easy for me. whether it be sports, music, studies, work, friendship, relationships, family, money whatever u can think of. i never once in my life had any of these things come easy to me. ppl always ask me why i work so hard and why i am always so serious. but i did work hard for the things i have in my life. and sometimes i feel like whats the point. whats the point of trying and trying and trying. i try so hard to mask my troubles. mask my real self to others. mask the things i've been thru. thats y to ppl i appear confident, strong and maybe somewhat arrogant. cos i dun look at things twice. i want something, i work for it. i wan something, i do it. i always have a 'never say die' attitude. and ppl see that in me. but sometimes it gets tiring. it gets exhausting. just like a battery that loses its power and have to be recharged, i feel that way now. my feelings have been pretty unstable. i'm happy today, sad tmr. i laugh till my sides ache today, i cry and wallow in self pity tmr. i sometimes hate this extreme side abt me.

these few weeks has been a very very tough but learning journey for me. to others it may just seem a break up. but to me it was more then that. i realised my true self, realised my mistakes, realised that i needed to wake up. i no longer can feed on other ppl, no longer can depend on others, no longer can sleep well tonight and hope all my problems are solved by morning. maybe this is a major transition period for me. i am turning 20, and ya age is just a number. but i somehow feel like hitting 20 is a new thing. its my first number 2. i no longer can hide in my shell, depend on mum to shield me under her wings. i need to stand up. i need to break away from everything that has been holding me back.

life to me is sometimes so difficult to live. u got ur road blocks and the obstacles, the challenges, the decisions to make, the bottomless pits u fall in, the rollercoaster rides, the unstability of happiness. everything. mum told me i maybe cant go study this yr. she had her reasons. and i was very very sad abt it. i know i really wanna go. but i have to admit, i am going not for the right reasons. i want to leave SG cos i feel aust is where my dreams lie, where my hopes are. i can leave my probs behind. and enjoy over there. i hated the fact that mum isnt so rich to just send me over. i hated the fact that i have to be patient in order to get what i want. but then i realised something. i saw how my life is. no matter what, i will have problems, and all the typical life shit dumped on me. and i cant forever be happy. i cant hold on to false promises anymore.

to me, my life is like a woolen knitted shirt. a woolen knitted shirt has so many holes. holes and holes. and i feel my life is represented by that. all my problems, my setbacks are the holes. and i am here trying so hard to cover these holes, try to fix it by thinking of unrealistics solutions and options like leaving SG to forget my problems. but my holes will always be there, cos its the way a woolen knitted shirt is made like. no matter how u knit, the holes will be formed. no matter what i do, even if i live life perfectly, my holes will be there. but instead of trying so hard to cover these holes, i am missing the bigger picture. all these holes are actually interconnected to form a final peice, the shirt. the shirt can be used to keep a person warm, to cover a person who's naked, to make a person look nice. the shirt is the final product and it is a good thing. all the holes are interlaced and are connected one by one. just like my problems, maybe my problems are all interconnected to form a big picture, a better end product that will be good for me! i need to focus on these holes that can interconnect together, i need to embrace these holes and accept that no matter what, there will always be holes in my life. but my shirt, my final product, thats what defines me. my problems define who i am. it represents who i am. and without the holes, the knitted woolen shirt is no loner a knitted woolen shirt. and every knitted woolen shirt is unique. cos there are no two stitches or knit that is the same.

so i am going to live through this. maybe God wants me to stay in SG to solve my problems, face them bravely and not escape to aust and hope to forget what i left behind. i need to be strong and brave and embrace my holes, so that i will get my final product. my life is still in the knitting process. the final product is not yet made. but thats what i should live my life by, towards the final outcome. and if i give up, the shirt will never be complete. i have to sew every hole, and interconnect every hole. cos every hole has a purpose to be there. even if one hole is missing, the shirt will never be complete. i am strong and i am brave. life doesnt need to be so difficult. life can be sweet, rewarding and its full of surprises. and i look forward to my blessed day everyday. whether i choose the day i have, to live fully in and be happy, or throw away and waste it, it is up to me. life to me is full of choices. sometimes ur choices leads to a heartache. but it's just another hole in my knitted shirt. i just gotta tell myself the more holes i have, the closer i am to forming my final end product, the shirt. And the day i have my full shirt, is the day i will be happiest. (:



my life update: i look for the most basic things to be happy abt. like watching tv with my family. catching a movie with my besties, sitting at a coffeeshop telling him my life stories. walking by park. sitting down under the stars under my block. riding and singing songs to myself.. my weekend was better then great. i met up with him, (not him, my ex. him a diff him) he knows who he is. we went to my sister's bar had a nice drink and chit chat session. walking by fullerton, and having a best laughing session making jokes and laughing so hard with him. he's a great fren. and a great guy. but as i said, i am still very hurt abt everything and i made it clear to him abt that. and he's cool abt it. on sat, i met up with a long lost fren. we had a great time jus talking and taking neoprints. she understands me totally and was truly sincere in caring for me. i laughed, hugged and had a power girl talk. before i met her, i went to apply for aussie uni. and had a nice choco drink and ate wedges with him b4 he went to meet his frens, and i, to meet her. it was simple fun. but i was happy. on sunday, today. i had a nice breakfast with him b4 i went to work. ate at macs, i was craving for hotcakes. and then instead of late nite shopping, we had early morning shopping. HAHA. bought nice accessories and make up. (my most two fav things to shop for) and for lunch, he came over to the cafe to see how busy i was and maybe eat with me when i have my lunch break. and he couldnt eat with me cos i was so busy and he had to eat by himself first and then sit with me at my staff area while i ate. he's been a great listener and great companion. i enjoyed myself so much this weekend, and i know i got plenty more of all that. life is sweet. and although i'm sad i might not be going aussie after all, i gotta be strong and concentrate on my knitting process. maybe i'll be surprised. life in SG may have so much more to offer. i wont give up. thats for sure. and i'll stay strong always. love u all!