Believing in being me

I've come to realise that being happy is a decision, not a hope. many ppl think that happiness comes from external factors, having money, living luxuriously, being able to pay all the bills, having a great bf/gf, having great parties etc. i hope if i have this, i wish if i have that, if only i got this and that i will be happy. but to me happiness has to come from within. has to come from u even if u have nothing in life. actually everyone has something, but sometimes we focus so much on what we dun have that we fail to look at what we do have. it has to do wit wanting to be happy, not needing to be happy. you dun need a high flying job, or a great partner, or all the money in the world to be happy. cos if ur happy with all the things u've got, u will realise all these other things are secondary factors, bonuses. life has a greater purpose for each and everyone of us. and everything happens for a reason. even if ur facing a crisis, know that there are always others out there who have it worse then you. taking life for granted is what most of us do. but sometimes in life it takes a setback, a heart break to make u come out and see the world for urself. only if ur willing to live up to life and give it ur best shot no matter how difficult the circumstance, only then will u realise true happiness and the true meaning of life. my family, my frens, my besties, all the basic things that keeps my heart pumping. i dun need the nite life. dun need the scandals. dun need the temp stuff to make me happy. dun need to desperately try to fill up the void in my heart by doing stupid immature things. all i need is my focus, my purpose in life. and live life happily without any expectations. just happy to be me, appreciating myself for who i am. its the best thing i can do for myself.

happy. its such a simple word. but yet it holds a meaning so deep that not even a person who lived maybe a century can tell u what happiness is. happiness is unique to each individual. but the basis is that if ur happy, nothing else matters.

today at work, i decided to do a good job with my immunohistochemistry. i did not want to disappoint my boss further, and i told myself i can do it. i did the job well and i showed her that i can be responsible. but all the time as i was doing it, i knew it wasnt for her. i just wanted to do it cos i know its my responsibility, not hers. and i felt proud of myself.

at cafe i was in hyper mood, i dunno why. even though i was uber uber tired but i did not let it show. i came to work and greeted everyone so friendly, and they were like why so happy today? and i was like why cannot huh, i happy also complain, not happy also complain. haha. cafe was uber busy today! full house full of ppl wanting to jam. never saw a crowd this big before, we even had to extend our operating hours just to allow the crowd to finish up their jamming. i was super happy mood, so was laughing alot and singing along being myself. had fun talking with the jamming ppl, even made a couple of frens. cute guy frens to be specific, haha. as usual jon was like claire claire and shaking his head, and i was like giving my innocent what.... haha. jon is so funny. had fun being baristar today. i love making coffees. esp cuppucinos and lattes. hmmm, was invited to celebrate seal's bday this tues and this sunday there's a charity local band making album event and i'm going! gonna be hella fun. gonna dress up all nice nice and maybe go with seal and dan. as usual the guys tried to sa-bo me by calling out my name and saying i wanna sing on stage. and now cos i keep telling ppl i cant sing, they think i'm being modest and think i'm actually a really good singer. HAHA. i stayed back at the cafe till 10pm. and then a grp of guys who played last fri (super good guys, the singer marc is a killer at bon jovi songs, and the two guitarists are cute and funny) and today stayed back with me and this other girl singer and we just sat there doing our own jamming session. eventhough i cant play or sing, but was nice sitting there, basking in the music. which played melodiously to my ears. and i attempted to play the guitar. one of the guys was trying to teach me, but he said its difficult if i dun have a guitar at home. and then i figured, heck i need a new hobby aniwaes. and what better then to learn to play an instrument and play all the songs i love. so since those guys work at a guitar shop, ima will be gg down to get a cheap guitar ~$100. YAY. cant wait to learn the guitar. had fun today, staying behind jamming an listening to them play oldies. (:

my life is getting way better then i expected. just loving everything at the moment. loving my lab job which is finally making me feel important. love my colleagues. like today at lab we all hanged out at one of the labs and started talking and having lotsa fun joking and gossiping. haha! works been fantastic.

everything's been really good. but i cant deny the fact that i still feel the jab in my mind and heart every once in a while. still cant figure out what actually happened between us. but daph said i should have my own closure. not for him, but for me. y'terday we were baking cookies at daph's hse. had nice girly talk munching on her super sweet dark choc chip-white choc chip-caramel-cinammony soft chewy cookies. when i spoke to her, i did feel a rush of emotions. cos i knew i still had a heart ache each time i talk abt him. i am getting better each day, just living life the best way i can. but it still hurts. i've learn to curb it. and keep everything in check. i just feel happy, i got a great life going on for me.

anyhoos, my new frens from cafe, the jamming regulars. hope to see ull more often. i shall learn to play the guitar and live my dream of playing the guitar and singing at the same time. for now i dun dream much. just that. if i do sing, make sure ull support me ok?? (:

Happy. Blissfully happy.